The Problem with being a ‘People Pleaser’.

A surnumber of the people I work with in therapy start off describing themselves as being a ‘People Pleaser’ – often said with a sideways smile and an undertone of knowing this to be a problem, which it certainly can be. But why?

Let’s start as we often do, digging down beyond the words into what’s really being said in this seemingly innocuous phrase. We don’t need to dig far to find a deeper meaning along the lines of, ‘I am someone who seeks to keep other people happy even if that comes at the cost of my own happiness’. Now we’re getting somewhere…

So why would someone become a ‘People Pleaser’? Is their happiness not also important, as least as much as others? Or did they learn at some point that it was their job to keep others happy? Or that what they wanted mattered less? Or that only by keeping others happy would they feel accepted, loved even? Or that expressing their needs even bought criticism, danger even?

The reasons are of course varied; however the root is often a common one, one driven by our instinctual need for attachment as the social creatures we are. To a young person learning to become a ‘People Pleaser’ the logic might look something like… if I keep ‘them’ happy then I can feel attached, if on the other hand I become a ‘People Displeaser’, I risk impacting the relationships that I rely on for a sense of safety, survival even.  because our need for attachment (safety, love) dominates the need to feel happy (especially during our dependent years), then we can understand why this simple but powerful trance becomes readily installed in our subconscious - playing out in our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours thereafter, or at least until we come to break free of the ‘spell’.

As with much of what we do subconsciously, what people are often less aware of is the price of being a ‘Pleasing Everyone But Me’ person. To always preference others’ needs over ours, even when it hurts us to do so, is unhealthy, abnormal. Over time we lose touch with our instincts (what do I want/like anymore?) and the inevitable Self-criticism that gets targeted at a psyche operating against the will of the system. As with most things, what we need is balance, the awareness of what we truly want with the ability to assert it, alongside the flexibility to make compromises for the greater good when needed – in a word, choice.

If you relate to the above, please remember this - how you act is not who you are, when pleasing others becomes part of your identify, that is to say how you describe yourself, you box yourself in. So, my plea to all ‘People Pleasers’ is this, if you make one change, make it this… “It’s what I learned to do, not who I am”. And because I learnt it I can also unlearn it, and learn to respect my needs too.

If you feel you’re someone who could use some balance in this area, to open the connection to what you do want and learn how to get it more often, please get in touch.

If this topic is of interest you may also like to watch this thought-provoking lecture by the brilliant Canadian Physician, Gabor Maté: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rik5E7wey0w